Our Journey to 4: It ended before it began

Things have happened so quickly since I wrote my last blog and starting our journey to a family of 4..! Please bear with me as I am writing this with very raw emotions. 

So, I used my fertility monitor to tell me when I ovulated ( feb 6th and 7th ) so from there you all know what happened. I started testing for pregnancy on like feb 13th. Yes I am a freak and spend tons of money on pregnancy test because I'm obsessed!! Anyways on feb 16th I got a super faint positive on a first response test ... I am so excited I could barely see straight. It was soooo faint I did not want to tell anyone though. I told myself I would wait until the line was darker so that I felt it was a "real" positive. So, of course I tested again on Feb 17th and immediately the pink line came up !! It wasn't incredibly dark but you didn't have to squint to see it, it was there ! This was Casey's birthday so I ordered a printable sign off etsy to give to casey and surprise him while at his parents for dinner. 

Here's the sign :

 

Casey was over the moon.! We were ecstatic that our 1st round of fertility medicine had helped us conceive ...

Until it didn't ... 

I called and made a doctors appointment and they wanted me to come in on Feb 18th for some blood work to confirm pregnancy. I decided to go to Dr. Ball @ OGA. They called me that same evening to tell me that I was pregnant but that it was so early in this pregnancy that they wanted me to come back Friday feb 20th to make sure my hcg levels were doubling. 

I knew in my heart of hearts that something wasn't just right with this pregnancy. My levels were abnormally low, I didn't feel right , the home pregnancy test weren't getting any darker . I just knew my body and I had a very bad feeling from the get go, but I held out hope that I was just being paranoid. 

Thursday feb 19th I started spotting but I didn't think too much of it because it wasn't much. I had had the same thing with my pregnancy with Bowen. I tried not to stress and went in this morning for more blood work. Dr. Balls nurse said she would call me around 4 with results. 

Noon came and I started cramping really bad and had a gush of bright red blood followed by what I would explain as a really heavy cycle. I knew 100% at that point this was going downhill quickly. I called the doctors office and spoke with the nurse and explained what was going on. She was very sweet and compassionate. She told me she was going to walk down to the lab herself and get my results and call me back. 

That was the longest 8 minutes of my life. The phone rang and I knew just from the tone of her voice that this pregnancy was over. She explained that my hcg levels had drastically decreased and that this blood was a miscarriage. My heart dropped , I cried , I questioned God , I got angry , and then I just went numb. 

I left work and came home and set in the garage in my car and just cried for 30 minutes. I asked God why he let me get pregnant to just take it away in a blink. I have never felt more alone. 

I know it may seem silly for some but to me I lost something that I had long dreamed of and prayed for. It was our baby. It was another little miracle. Even just those few days I knew that I was pregnant I loved that baby so much. I had so many things I thought would happen. So many things I thought I would experience with this baby. 

My husband, family and close friends have been texting and calling and I appreciate it more than you know. I just don't want to speak about it right now. I am writing this blog not for sympathy or people reaching out to me. I simply write it because it helps me deal with these emotions. It helps me get it out without having to say it out loud. And honestly it just sucks ! 

I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle and I don't need to question why this happened. I will get to that point. I'll pull myself out of the dark hole and things will get better. We will try again later for another baby and this pain I feel now with ease up with time. I'll pray for strength and peace. We will get through this. 

If Bowen is the only child God ever gives us then I'm blessed. He's my everything. With his love and the rest of my family we will survive this. 

Our Journey to 4

A new year brings many different things for people but this year for us we are hoping it brings a baby.




I figured it's time to start blogging about our decision to become a family of four....




 Casey and I have been wanting and thinking of starting this journey for several months now. With my fertility issues there isn't a typical "if it happens it happens" scenario. We have used Clomid a couple times but when it didn't happen we didn't make doctors appointments or fret over it because at that point we weren't truly set on it happening. However now we are ready to do whatever is necessary to have another little one.




So, with that being said here goes nothing. I'm extremely sensitive to the fact that my body doesn't function properly. It has taken a lot of reassuring from Casey, family and doctors that it is okay. I don't always feel that way. I put my heart into it and I feel responsible and feel like I let my family down if things don't happen in that area of our life. I am thankful that we do have Bowen this time because that takes some of the pressure off for me. If its in God's plan that we only ever have Bowen then that's okay with us.




Dr. M (my doctor) retired August of 2014. I was sincerely sad because he was not just a typical doctor. He felt like so much more. He delivered me, my brother and Bowen. He was who helped me begin and understand my fertility issues and last but not least he kept Bowen and I healthy and safe during my pregnancy. In fact, this is how special he really is...I got a call mid August of 2014 from his office. I didn't answer because I didn't hear it ring and I noticed a little while later that I had a voicemail. I was totally expecting an automated call or something.  I hit play on my voicemail and it was Dr. M asking me to call him because he had some things to discuss with me. Immediately I call back and he goes on to tell me that he will be retiring late August and he wanted to know if I wanted him to call in any of my fertility meds before he left (Provera & Clomid). He explained that he didn't want me to have to see a new doctor and go through any unnecessary testing and explanation if I didn't have to. He called is a jump start and he ended up calling in a 3 month supply of both. I am so grateful for this! I might need to see another doctor at some point if the 3 month supply doesn't work but I'll cross that bridge when we get there.




I started my Provera January 12,  2015. 10 days of that and then we wait! Next if that works and my cycle starts it will be Clomid day 4-8. Fingers crossed!




I am doing my best to not let the process consume me but I might already have a list of names, how we will announce and what doctors I want to see.




In all seriously it is in God's hands and we will pray about it. We know that wherever this path takes us, it is where we are meant to go.




Updates to follow.




Xoxo - Lacey

Bowen Michael is 2 !

I am a little late on writing this blog :/ We have had some big things take place since Bowen turned two so I guess it will just have to be ok this time! October was a crazy month for us. We all caught a NASTY tummy bug for the 1st week, then Bowen's 2nd Birthday Party was on October 12th & then came Halloween ( and decorating for Christmas ). November flew by with more birthday parties and Thanksgiving and December was Deer Lease trips and a Disney Trip!( separate post to follow soon ).


We decided to do Bowen's party theme as Finding Nemo because in the month or so leading up to his party that was the ONLY thing he would watch on TV. Literally nothing else! Casey and I can recite every line of Finding Nemo with our eyes closed. Anyways, the party was a total hit. He loved all of the décor and cake. We are so very blessed and thankful for our family and friends that came to celebrate this milestone with us. Our little Bowen is so very loved and as a parent that is all I can ask for.


Bowen is a ball of fire! From the time he opens his eyes he is on the go. He still loves to vacuum, play outside , play games on the ipad, & hang out with his cousins! The term "ALL BOY' fits perfectly. He keeps me on my toes that's for sure!


His vocabulary is unreal. Full sentences, and he can carry on any conversation. In fact, he is quite bossy. There are times he makes me question who the boss is -ha-ha- .


He can count to 10 and sing his ABC's.


He wears size 2T clothes.


Only wears a pull up when he sleeps.


He has developed a LOVE for macaroni and cheese...anytime we ask him what he wants for dinner that's his answer.


Just recently Bowen ventured out and started watching TV. He now enjoys Nemo, Calliou, Frozen, Mickey, Paw Patrol, Toy Story, Barney,  and Super Y !! He will finally sit and watch a full movie :)


Bowen has a new cousin, Gavyn, and he wants to hold and feed baby Gavyn anytime he is around. It is the sweetest thing to watch.


Naps are still a MUST.


Bowen only weighs 27 pounds.


Life with a toddler can be challenging but its my biggest blessing and the most fun I have ever had. Nothing that I have done in my past or will do in my future will compare to being a mommy and watching your miracle grow into the most precious little boy. My heart is happy and I know I am right where I need to be.

Finding your Passion

My life is full of chasing an almost 2 year old around 24/7. This is in no way a complaint! I am still in shock that my boy is only a few weeks away from being 2. He is the biggest blessing that God could have ever given me.


Let me rewind a little....growing up softball was my passion. It was the one thing in life I felt I was 100% myself. When I was playing I had no fear, stress, only my love for the game! My senior year I decided that I didn't want to play softball. I had a different path in mind, I wanted to get married. My heart wanted to start a family but my head was spinning with thoughts about what would I be without softball. It may sound silly because softball is just a game right ?! It is just a game but after spending 14 years to better yourself and it being the center of your world it starts to define you. Casey and I got married and it was amazing. We traveled and did things as a couple, he is the man of my dreams. But that feeling of doing something that you love that was just for myself I missed. Casey has a passion for hunting and fishing and he prides himself on being a hunter. I was learning to be a wife ( which I love ) but other than that I had nothing. I needed something that was a passion !


Fast Forward....I have found that passion again! Being a mother is my passion. 100% it is what I love. It isn't exactly stress free....its more of a I wear my heart on my sleeve deal but it is my love. I don't just want to get through the day I want to be all I can. I want to make Bowen proud. I am learning each and every day. I can't speak for all mothers but I truly feel like God put me on this earth to be a mother, it is the hardest job I have but it so much more rewarding that I can explain. So no matter what the day brings Bowen will get my all !


Off the mushy gushy stuff ...


Bowen is a very active little boy! Sitting still is NOT an option. He has such a precious personality. He is so outgoing and silly. In fact, just the other day we were at the Dollar Store and every time we saw someone he would wave and say Hi, how are you? & if that person didn't acknowledge him he would get louder and louder until that person had no other choice but to speak lol. I'm glad he doesn't meet a stranger, he totally gets that from his daddy! On the other had he can definitely be as stubborn as the day is long. We have to get his attention quite often.


Bowen :


-wears size 18 months to 24 month clothes
- he only wears a diaper when he sleeps
- He can carry on a full conversation ( which still amazes me )
- He LOVES the vacuum
- Nemo is his new found movie
- He eats just about anything
- He typically goes to bed around 8:30 & will sleep in until 9 am
- He likes to take pictures
- He can count to 10 ( he misses # 8 sometimes )
- He can spell his name
- He loves to swim


We went on a river trip back in June with my family and we had a blast! We are hoping to go back again next summer.


This December we are going to Disney World with Casey's family and we can not wait!


October 12th will be Bowen's 2nd birthday yes it is Nemo themed !


I am looking forward to what the future holds. Birthdays, trips, Christmas and so much more!

 

xoxox Lacey

The Best 18 Months of My Life.

As always Bowen is growing up way too fast. I feel like I have blinked and he is already a year and a half old. My baby boy is so full of life, and ALL BOY ! I have given up on Bowen ever having flawless skin without any bumps, bruises, "Bo-Bo's ", or scars.  He is my active rug rat ! If it involves climbing, running , outside, or any other active verb you can think of , Bowen is doing it.


He likes to watch bits of Barney or Mickey Mouse but the longest I have ever gotten him to sit still and watch TV is about 10 minutes but I'm not complaining. I love that he likes to be active. Heck I wish I had all of his energy to burn !!! This boy LOVES to eat , I seriously can not believe that he doesn't weigh so much more than he does. He will just about eat ANYTHING ! He's constantly asking for a snack, or telling me he wants to eat. He still has one nap per day. Usually it falls from about noon to 2, on occasion it will be 12-3. Bedtime is between 7:30 & 8:30 depending on his naps. Recently he has started wanting to sleep with his Simba stuffed animal ( you can only imagine my excitement for this considering his WHOLE room is in Lion King :) )  Most nights he loves bath time, he will lay on his belly and put his mouth under water and blow bubbles. I tried to teach him how to float one night in the bath tub but it was very unsuccessful and extremely scary so I have not attempted that again lol.


He amazes me with his vocabulary. I cant even count how many words he knows right now. He is such a little parrot that he continues to learn words it seems like daily. Here are just a few of the two or 3 words he puts together off the top of my head:


-love you
-hold you
-shoes on
-Mama ...love you
- up above world ( when he singing twinkle twinkle little star.
- bite of dat (that)  please
- SIT DOWN ! ( he yells at Rebel and Dixie )
- more please


When he cooperates he will count to ten well kind of lol ! I say 1 he says 2 , I say 3..4, he says 5-6 , I say 7 and he says 8, 9, and 10 !


He also knows some ABC's   ... only A B C D E ! but its a start




 He is OBSESSED with the vacuum, it's totally not normal ! He will ask for the vacuum several times a day and go to the linen closet waiting for me to show it to him. He's a nut :) My parents bought him a rocking horse when he was only like 2 month old but just the other day I got it out so he could play with it. It's a horse that when you push his ear he makes horse noise and moves his head ...OMGSH Bowen freaked out on me! It was kind of funny until these big crocodile tears came pouring out, then I was just broken hearted knowing it scared him that bad.


Bowen was officially potty trained at 17 months ! I am so grateful that he only wears a diaper when he sleeps. I love little boy undies :)  There was some negativity from people for potty training at a young age but I knew my own child and knew that he was showing signs that he was ready. Its my job to teach him things not hold him back. Anyways, he has done really well. Accidents will happen occasionally but that's okay :)


We wear size 2t undies :)
size 12 months in some things and size 18 months in some !
size 4 or 5 shoes !



We are in a "NO" phase right now. At first it was all fun and cute but after a few times of telling me NO I realized we have to stop this right now . So Bowen is getting some spats for being the NO word. He is starting to catch on. But my mom always told me that one of my kids would be my payback and I whole hearted believe that Bowen is it ! I wouldn't trade him for the world though !


Casey and Bowen have a wonderful relationship but I would still have to say he is a Momma's boy! I will enjoy it now because I know it wont be long and Bowen will want to be with Daddy fishing and hunting and doing whatever boys do !


These have been the best 18 months of my life as Bowen's mommy. Watching him grow is such a beautiful blessing. I know I say this over and over but my heart is just so full of love, I really can't explain it. It's an endless love that grows more each day. Love you baby boy !

All this time and we're still in love !

Baby when I look at you with your hair fallin' down and your baby blues
Standing there across the room I get so lost in the way you move
It makes me reminisce back to years ago on a night like this
Teary eyed as you took my hand and I told you that I'd be your man
So many things have come so many things have gone
one thing that's stayed the same is our love is still growing strong

 Baby just look at us all this time and we're still in love
Something like this just don't exist
Between a backwoods boy and a fairy tale princess
People said it would never work out
Living our dreams has shattered all doubts
It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Living our love song

Oh darling would you look at me
With my heart beating fast and my shaking knees
It's pretty hard to believe after all these years I still need you this badly
You're dancing in my arms with a spotlight moon in a sea of stars
Girl we've come so far everything I want is everything that you are
I just want to lay you down
Say I love you without a sound
I think you know what I'm talking about
 Baby just look at us all this time and we're still in love
Something like this just don't exist
Between a backwoods boy and a fairy tale princess
People said it would never work out
Living our dreams has shattered all doubts
It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Living our love song

 Feels good to prove 'em wrong
Just living our love song

 

 

 

 

This song pretty much sums up Casey and I . From the beginning there were so many people against us because of me being a freshman and him being a senior, but we knew it was something special and something no one else could take away from us. Our love has grown leaps and bounds over the past 8.5 years. There isn't anyone else in the world I would want as an example for Bowen and any future children. He has been my best friend and rock and I can't thank him enough for all that he has given me. Our love will forever be growing and changing but I promise that we will grow together and not let life bring us apart. I love you through the good and bad times Casey. You hold the key to my heart not only on this day but everyday.

 

 

XoXo - Lacey - 

The life of Bowen

Here lately my life consists of Bowen yelling one of the following at me

"BITE OF DAT" ( bite of that )
 "POO-POO"
"NACK ( snack )
"DINK" ( for drink )
"POBBY" ( potty )
"TEEF " (brushing his teeth which he is totally obsessed with)

He has become quite the talker. He knows what he wants and he is VERY vocal about it. Sometimes its all cute and sweet and other times he is screaming in public places and I am so embarrassed. It's something we are working on ! I just can't imagine where he could get his loud mouth trait from ;) 

From about the time he turned 15 months old Bowen has become a complete Mommy's Boy. I am not exaggerating when I say he will not let Casey or anyone else do anything for him if I am in the room. He constantly is telling me "hold you" which is so not like him. He has always been my baby on the go. I secretly am loving every minute of this Mommy's boy phase. I know eventually there will come a time that loving on mom will be the last thing on his mind so for now as long as he wants me I'm there.

We started potty training on January 12th. The first day he did tee-tee and poo-poo on the potty but he also had many accidents. Resolve became my best friend and once again Bowen was teaching me patience. Day 2, 3 , 4 , 5 there were less accidents each day and more successful potty breaks ! Day 6 was the first day with ZERO accidents ! In the beginning I would set a timer and I would take him every 20 minutes, once I saw he was learning to hold it at the 20 min time frame we moved it to 30 minutes and so on and so forth.  We are now about a month into it and I only take him once every hour unless he tells me he need to go " pobby ".  He tells us that he needs to go about 75 percent of the time. The other times I ask and he will tell us no-no or pobby. He definitely recognizes when he has an accident, He will constantly say Uh-Oh over and over ! Right now at 15 1/2 months old I would say Bowen might have an accident every couple of days. its mostly when he's sitting in his high chair.  None the less, I am very proud of my baby boy for doing so well at a young age.

I am in love with this age. Bowen is my little sponge. It seems as if he learns something daily, honestly its amazing!  I never knew that my heart could be filled with so much joy. It's so hard for me to see my little man as a little boy and not so much a baby anymore ! I miss holding him and believe it or not middle of the night snuggles. I feel like in the moment of those late night feeds you are exhausted and don't really enjoy the experience to its fullest. But little do you know that your sweet baby is growing faster than you can blink and you WILL miss all the little things. Baby fever is starting to set in !! However I'm not ready to give up time with Bowen just yet. God has a plan for our family and I know that when its time to have baby Nowetner number 2 he will let us know. It's more than exciting to see what the future has in store for Bowen and our little family.

XoXo - Lacey -