Friday, February 20, 2015

Our Journey to 4: It ended before it began

Things have happened so quickly since I wrote my last blog and starting our journey to a family of 4..! Please bear with me as I am writing this with very raw emotions. 

So, I used my fertility monitor to tell me when I ovulated ( feb 6th and 7th ) so from there you all know what happened. I started testing for pregnancy on like feb 13th. Yes I am a freak and spend tons of money on pregnancy test because I'm obsessed!! Anyways on feb 16th I got a super faint positive on a first response test ... I am so excited I could barely see straight. It was soooo faint I did not want to tell anyone though. I told myself I would wait until the line was darker so that I felt it was a "real" positive. So, of course I tested again on Feb 17th and immediately the pink line came up !! It wasn't incredibly dark but you didn't have to squint to see it, it was there ! This was Casey's birthday so I ordered a printable sign off etsy to give to casey and surprise him while at his parents for dinner. 

Here's the sign :


Casey was over the moon.! We were ecstatic that our 1st round of fertility medicine had helped us conceive ...

Until it didn't ... 

I called and made a doctors appointment and they wanted me to come in on Feb 18th for some blood work to confirm pregnancy. I decided to go to Dr. Ball @ OGA. They called me that same evening to tell me that I was pregnant but that it was so early in this pregnancy that they wanted me to come back Friday feb 20th to make sure my hcg levels were doubling. 

I knew in my heart of hearts that something wasn't just right with this pregnancy. My levels were abnormally low, I didn't feel right , the home pregnancy test weren't getting any darker . I just knew my body and I had a very bad feeling from the get go, but I held out hope that I was just being paranoid. 

Thursday feb 19th I started spotting but I didn't think too much of it because it wasn't much. I had had the same thing with my pregnancy with Bowen. I tried not to stress and went in this morning for more blood work. Dr. Balls nurse said she would call me around 4 with results. 

Noon came and I started cramping really bad and had a gush of bright red blood followed by what I would explain as a really heavy cycle. I knew 100% at that point this was going downhill quickly. I called the doctors office and spoke with the nurse and explained what was going on. She was very sweet and compassionate. She told me she was going to walk down to the lab herself and get my results and call me back. 

That was the longest 8 minutes of my life. The phone rang and I knew just from the tone of her voice that this pregnancy was over. She explained that my hcg levels had drastically decreased and that this blood was a miscarriage. My heart dropped , I cried , I questioned God , I got angry , and then I just went numb. 

I left work and came home and set in the garage in my car and just cried for 30 minutes. I asked God why he let me get pregnant to just take it away in a blink. I have never felt more alone. 

I know it may seem silly for some but to me I lost something that I had long dreamed of and prayed for. It was our baby. It was another little miracle. Even just those few days I knew that I was pregnant I loved that baby so much. I had so many things I thought would happen. So many things I thought I would experience with this baby. 

My husband, family and close friends have been texting and calling and I appreciate it more than you know. I just don't want to speak about it right now. I am writing this blog not for sympathy or people reaching out to me. I simply write it because it helps me deal with these emotions. It helps me get it out without having to say it out loud. And honestly it just sucks ! 

I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle and I don't need to question why this happened. I will get to that point. I'll pull myself out of the dark hole and things will get better. We will try again later for another baby and this pain I feel now with ease up with time. I'll pray for strength and peace. We will get through this. 

If Bowen is the only child God ever gives us then I'm blessed. He's my everything. With his love and the rest of my family we will survive this.